I’m having a very pessimistic day. To say I’m alone would be an understatement; however I’m the one who put myself where I am. I don’t blame for my old friends from distancing themselves from me. They watched helplessly as I fell from the person I was into a wreck with no end in sight. Systematically I blamed everyone but myself because no one would help when really I should’ve knuckled down and sought professional help sooner. I let fear grip my heart, turning me away because I was afraid of what people would think, knowing I would’ve gone in patient for depression and suicidal tendencies. While depression and anxiety are becoming rapidly part of our social norm, I can’t help but feel there is still a stigma about ending up in a mental ward for that same thing to the Nth degree. Why? Why is it such a bad thing to ask for help when we truly need it? Because of pride. Pride makes fools and the shamed and that is precisely where I am. So I lock myself away, hiding from social events because I’m too afraid to open myself up again to the outside world. If I ever figure it all out, I’ll let you know.
My original idea for a blog this week was to write about the Frontier Hypothesis Fredrick Jackson Turner wrote about over 100 years ago. About how one of the main tiers of his point was America was a wasteful society. He was meaning more for resources, money, etc. I was going to twist this point to today’s modernization of people being wasteful to other humans. How we see each other as objects instead of beings with hopes, fears, and dreams. I was going to site the recent spike of massacres that I’ve witnessed in my life. The Oklahoma City bombing, 9/11, Columbine, Aurora, and others. I was going to cite the spike in suicide rates, the willingness our nation has to go to war over such trivial things. I was going to mourn the loss of our humanity as a whole.
I would say that the question “Can Democracy work?” has been answered, and the answer was no.
Then, I saw the news today. The bombing in Boston. The kind of explosions I saw on the news pointed to one thing, attention of the perpetrator. Singling out men, women, and children who just wanted to see a race. The explosion didn’t create a devastating crater that would mark itself. It’s goal was to inflict as much collateral damage as possible.
I saw this, and I wanted to weep.
But what transpired next spoke volumes. I saw the quick response of not only the civil servants who were expected to do the job, but I saw the people of Boston rise to the occasion, running in moments after the explosion to help their fellow human, fellow people.
Moments after the explosion, a system was in place deciding who would be a priority in needing an ambulance and who could wait. Who was severely injured, and who wasn’t. The media kept showing the chaos of the events, but the content of those events are inspiring. People weren’t running in fear nor terror. They were launching themselves into what wreckage there was to pull out the injured. What’s even more inspiring is these people didn’t know if more bombs were going to go off or not. Still, they went in to help.
The people of Boston should be regarded as true heroes.
We join in your mourning, in your tears, and in your prayers.
Live like you want to live. Be the change. Be the solution, not the problem.
I’m going to start a series on looking back at the roots of the comic book hero. This week, I thought I’d start with my favorite, Wildcat.
A boxer who was framed for murder, Ted Grant took it upon himself to suit up under his boxing name “Wildcat”. Like most Golden agers, he is unbelievably obvious in his dual identity. 1.) He used his own title name (so anyone who was familiar with boxing at the time, which was a majority of people, could put the two together) 2) his first crime to solve was his own framing. 3) the boxing skills Wildcat employed were very unique, narrowing the pool of suspects down to boxers. Anyone who understood the nuances of Grant’s still could put him and Wildcat together.
This being said, however, one would have to ask themselves if there were any benefits to going after one of the greatest fighters at the time just because they knew his identity. Not that Teddy had a temper, but he did moonlight as one of the first vigilantes, going as far as to hang criminals out the window of a building 20 stories up. Yes, he trade marked this tactic.
Ted was also the man who trained Batman of the Golden age. Let me repeat that: Wildcat trained Batman. Before there was secret societies of ninjas, DuCard, or anything else that we know of Bruce Wayne’s post-Frank Miller backstory, there was Wildcat showing Bruce how many different ways you could beat a man to a bloody pulp. This should earn him at least a mention in the Batman family, and being in that family comes with an extensive group of people willing to die for their family.
All this aside, Wildcat has a very blue collar demeanor about him. He mentors younger superheroes, does charity fights, and is overall just the nicest guy one could meet. If there was ever a superhero you could sit down and enjoy a beer with, Wildcat was probably your man.
I’d like to see a modern movie about him. It could be a very unique look at him in the later years. Not a modern revision which would probably place him as an MMA fighter (because who watches boxing anymore), but something in the same vein as R.E.D. An old superhero who’s been retired, going out and still showing the young punks how it’s done. It would do great in theaters, touching the generation of Baby Boomers who say “Yeah, we’re getting up in the years, but by god, we’re still good” in the same voice Space Cowboys or Gran Torino spoke. My picks for this role would be Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood, or Slyverster Stalone.
It’s a new look, but I kind of like it. It gives you, my readers, something else to look at other than the word ;). Indeed, this is number ten. I hope you have enjoyed this wave as much as I have. Now this blog is going to be headed in a wider direction. I’m probably going to post some poetry, maybe some fiction. I do promise I wont stop posting my thoughts. So.. there’s that.
I wanted to talk about this crazy calendar weekend. Should I point out the irony of right after Easter (one of the big two christian holidays, specifically revolving around the debatable resurrection of the messiah) April Fool’s day is here. Jesus came to deliver eggs and chocolate! Hahaha, just kidding, Loki be praised.
Yeah, I said Loki be praised. While this holiday doesn’t relate to the Norse (in any way I’m aware of, anyhow), but I feel the trickster should enjoy this holiday. I’m the sentimental type that thinks everything outta have a symbol and/or a mascot. Who better than the lord of mischief? I suppose if we put our minds to it we could come up with a fictional figure that could be spread around. We all know the impact of Slenderman. But I don’t wanna go that route. Loki is a good enough role model indeed. Super-glueing Thor’s hammer to the ground. Shaving half of Balder’s beard… These are just a few ideas for Monday.
In other news, in honor of Zombie Jesus day, I have started The Walking Dead. I know, I’m late to the series. But I’ve got to say, it is probably one of the best series I’ve seen in a while. So.. fundamentally different. It hooks me in with these tales, character detailing, and of course the unapologetic rawness. It really draws you in and for the short time you are watching it, you are part of the universe. A survivor voyeur into a barbaric world of dim hope and the desire to keep pressing on, prolonging the inevitable. It’s also my understand there is a graphic novel series. I believe that I am being infected by the zombie craze. I have a favorite character in the series already, though I’m not sure if he comes up again. The man and the boy we met in the first episode. I found it to be an amazing story (though I could say it is remiscant of The Road) and such good acting. It made for a great pilot. At this point, I’m only four episodes in, but personally I highly hope to see this story play out. (if they do come back in the series and something horrid happens, please don’t spoil it in the comments.)
On a final note, I’m going to submit a piece into the Nimrod national journal, hoping to get it published. wish me luck.
In the large-scale of things, in the plainest view, I am a very young man. Twenty-two going onto twenty-three is a healthy and optimistic time, though I can’t override the feeling that I’m really a forty year old man. The things I’ve seen and experienced in the few short years I have borrowed on this earth have left me cynical and full of sophomoric wisdom. I realize at this stage of life political debates in this country of the USA are mostly about ego. Few people change their opinions or admit they were wrong when proven thusly, especially when it comes to the political landscape. I realize that most sane people are still searching for a deeper faith to give them hope. Most people are driven upon the basic instincts of fear in on shape or another. The newest nugget of wisdom that I have been given, though, is the realization of how human those around us. That pains me the most, I think.
Despite what I may write or say, deep at my core and being I like to look at everyone with the best of face. I always try to do the best I can for others, being honest in all things, and making myself available whenever they are in need. I do this because in my twisted perspective the world is tough and cold enough, it can be a lonely road if you don’t surround yourself with people you can depend on. I strive to be the kind of person that is worthy to be a friend.
This belief, which at its core is something I would think everyone would agree is a part of their own philosophy, is flawed. As I said, people are motivated by fear. Fear of not having enough, fear of themselves, etc. When fear is allowed to grip us, the belief I purpose becomes a doorway for others to walk through, and like a burglar in the night they steal and seize what they freely can. It can even give the best of hearts the feeling of naked exposure, to the extent that you walk around like a skinless being, prone to infection all around.
So what to do? The easy answer I suppose would be to clad yourself with a thicker skin, develop callouses and stride on. But emotions and beliefs aren’t a body. It’s a balance, weighing against itself, because with enough skin and callous the heart dies, and with too much heart, the skin is gone. Both extremes lead to destruction of self.
Take heed against your own fear, be the person you want to be with others. There are always people out there that will use you, so be ever watchful. I can’t tell you where to draw the line on your own personal balance. I don’t know your heart. But I do encourage you to never lose that heart.
These thoughts arose from my day of therapy. A year ago I was a mess. I had a complete mental breakdown. Through much therapy and medication I have been able to build myself back up. But now I’m at the point of realizing there is only so much I can do for myself. The environment around my life at this point is full of triggers. Like walking through a dark room with piles of legos in your bare feet. It is a point where the self must learn how to cope. How you react to those legos cutting into you are entirely up to you. One can go through the dark, screaming and crying over every block, or grit teeth and carry on. The reaction is entirely in the hands of the one feeling the pain.
Let’s face it, dating in today’s time has drastically changed from what people would have been doing say, fifteen, twenty years ago. If a gal is at the grocery store or the gas station and a guy offers to pay for it all, generally (and this might just be my experience) she’ll look at him like he’s crazy, or insist on being independant and paying for herself. Which is fine, I completely support a woman wanting to flaunt her independance. But this use to be a common way people would meet (so I’ve heard). There’s also the work place. People use to meet all the time at work and hook up. But this has changed with how much of a movement there has been against sexual harassment in the work place. Not saying these are bad things, but it does cut down teh options of meeting someone. Sometimes I feel like the world we live in people have to walk around with signs on their chest say, “Hey! I’m single and I’m willing to date!” just to get noticed in that sense. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Also, bear in mind, I could be way off as a 22 year old nerd.
But as I was saying, we’re limited to three options to find someone: Through friends, at a bar, or over the internet. Friends seems like a good, stable way of doing it, unless your friends don’t know anyone of the opposite gender, or you are the last one of the group to be single. Option 2, the bar scene. Yeah, bar… well, bars probably aren’t the best place to meet a good boyfriend/girlfriend material so we go to option 3, the world wide web.
It’s a very interesting place to go, throwing all this personal info out there, hoping someone like you will grab onto it, then way will lead onto way, you exchange photos, and boom, you decide to meet. Ideally it looks like this:
You and that special someone are sitting there, enjoying each others company, and you start to think “hey, this isn’t so bad.” Suddenly, the mood changes, and that person across from you begins to change. You start noticing things like the discrepency between their profile and who they are as a person. In other words like this:
And you suddenly get that feeling in your gut to run the hell out of there. Good for you, that’s a survivor’s instinct. We can’t be rude, though. Well, that rude, because then the person begins to think it’s something wrong with them. So I composed a few hints on how to end the date quickly and not make things awkwardly rude. (This can also work as great “do not go there on a first meeting” tips) I’ll start with the fellas because if we’re going against the grain, men go first.
Avoid eye contact. This is a no brainer. The second she starts going batty on you, eye contact should end. It sends a subtle message that you aren’t interested anymore. If there’s a tv in the meeting place, it just became your new best friend. If there is a window, look out it. Or you could go with the classic scumbag move and just gaze lovingly at her chest. The last option is the riskiest because some girls might find that as a flattery… yeah, I know it sounds odd, but I’ve *cough* heard about it happening.
Interupt her. Notihng tells a woman “I’m just not that into you” as trampling over ever profound thought she feels the need to share with you. Taking turns is something you learned in kindergarden, time to unlearn it, my friend.
If all else fails, talk about how great your ex was. This one is low, but so is a girl sending you a picture that turns out to not be her. So bring up your ex, or make one up. Make her sound like a saint. She’d play video games and let you win at call of duty. All of your friends just loved her. You two were meant to be together, but you messed it up because you’re a compulsive sex addict. Work with it.
Now, ladies, it’s your turn. These two I’m sure you already know, but for those that don’t, these will get a guy who is into you for the wrong reasons off your back.
Talk about your possible future together. In a relationship, this is great, one of my favorite parts is making plans with that special someone while you’re cuddling in bed. But whiping it out on the first date is not only awkward, it can make a guy crap his pants if you do it right. Talk about how your eyes and his nose would look great on your future baby. Start making plans on what your wedding will look like. Ask for a prenumtual agreement.
Talk about your ex, or point out the buffest guy you see. Talk about how cute your ex was, or how insanely ripped he was. Or blow him out of porpotion in another way. The point is, make the guy you “miss” look better than Johnny douchebag there with his cap on sideways. Whether it’s money, sex, phyisical appearence, or all of those shallow things guys worry about.
There are a few more I could’ve said, but these are some of the main triggers to end things quick. The world is a scary place, and people aren’t always honest. Drop to their level and give’m hell.
Have you ever had one of those weeks where absolutely nothing goes as you planned? Every day is another prime example of Murphy’s law? I’ve been having one of those weeks, and it keeps spiralling downward. It’s been so bad that I’m weighing the pros and cons of drinking again. I’ve been three years sober. Well, two days sober, I slipped up this week.
The week has really got me thinking about heroes for some odd reason. Someone who can pull off being strong 24 hours of everyday is definitely something to aspire to. Being strong in the vein of living life, recognizing it is full of problems, and pushing on anyway. It is something I wish I could do. It seems so far-fetched to me, however, because the smallest things can trigger me off into a bad mood. Being late for class, forgetting to eat, seeing myself in the mirror, and all the other things that triggers the voice in my head known as the “antagonist”.
Constantly berating me for every small step out of line, it keeps me on edge. I feel constantly assaulted by my own mind and I don’t know exactly how to shut it off. In high school, it was a blessing to have it because it gave me a clear balanced picture when I was preparing for mock trial and youth court events. Now that I haven’t given it anything to be distracted by, I live with this broken record that keeps playing out the same tunes over and over and over again.
With this in mind, if someone speaks out against something I do, it is maximized a hundred fold of the original intention. A simple comment can turn into a swarm of angry fits inside my mind. So a classroom critique or a cross word can set me into an angry fit. My life is a constant struggle with trying to find a peaceful zen that I can live with. A point that I can be relaxed.
That point is moot, though. I’m stuck on how to deal with this “antagonist”. To go back to a life where I’m constantly preaching my beliefs is not something I readily want to do. I’m old enough to realize that in most cases, with most issues, people have already made up their minds and if they haven’t, no argument I’m going to provide will give them a change. Going off and living in the woods, away from humanity sounds appealing, but I feel it would just deepen the madness I’m feeling.
So I trudge on, day-to-day, week after week, fighting my inner voice and praying I don’t lash out on someone to the point it is beyond repairable. I want to do good things in this world, but at the current time, I can’t.
Next week I’m going to set up an appointment with a councilor. So my blog next week should be in a brighter tone. Or not. We’ll see.